Coming off the meds has been tough (bit of an understatement) .. I found Christmas particularly hard, when everything is shut down and shops etc are shut I kind of get back into the routine of sleeping during the day to pass the time and then obviously it follows that I am awake all night … vicious circle !

It was really weird to wake up and make a cuppa and not reach for my meds as the kettle was boiling, it has been my routine for so long that I found it hard to stop thinking about bloody tablets all the time.

My mental health is pretty stable though to be honest, yes I still have bad days and I really struggle sometimes for motivation to do the most routine of daily chores, BUT I am coping.. I have learned so much since I started getting treatment, the most valuable thing I have learned is not to beat yourself up if you are having a low day, just take baby steps and push yourself to do a little, then think about what you have just done and praise yourself, this works (well it does for me) and by giving yourself a break emotionally , you do tend to come out of down periods a lot quicker. The side effects from coming off the meds are slowly fading, I got terrible nausea at first and (bear with me, this is quite hard to explain) terrible explosion type sensations behind my eyes when I blink … yes I know it sounds weird, but I cannot think of a better way to explain it, I get a flash of noise every time I blink, it is really annoying, but it is fading now and some days I don’t even notice it.

One thing that I know has really helped me is the support I get from friends, I go to a friends place for the weekend at least once every 4 to 6 weeks and that has had a massive effect on my stability throughout my illness. It is something I look forward to and I know it probably sounds daft but I look on it as a reward for surviving the periods in between visits when I am at home alone and just getting through the days. I am lucky to have special friends and I want them to know that I appreciate everything they do for me.

On the job front it has been a bad start, of 4 applications sent out, I never heard from 3 and got one rejection letter from the other before I even got an interview. I am not too disheartened though, I expected it and told myself that it was inevitable, I will keep going and keep pushing on, my main goal for 2012 is to find a full time job which gives me some satisfaction as well as a pay packet.

I have pretty much accepted that my life is like a weather forecast … On the whole its average for the time of year with the odd stormy day which will pass, leaving just a cloudy overcast sky which will eventually clear.

Thanks for reading

xx

I have been on 50 mgs for a month and have decided that I want to stop altogether, the doc wasn’t too sure but I feel it is worth a shot to get off them as soon as I can, so basically just told him I was going to stop taking them.

Long story short, I am now free of the happy pills and will be monitored closely over a 3 month period to make sure I am coping with the side effects etc.It’s a bit scary but it is something that I feel ready to do and want to start the new year free of medication.

In other news, I am working Xmas day at the night shelter, will probably do 1-7pm to help out with serving the dinners and sorting evening buffet out for the residents as well as just being there to chat and try to make a horrible day for a lot of people a little more bearable.

I am also doing the SOS bus on new years eve, statistically the busiest day of the year for the bus, hopefully that will go off without too many dramas.

Honestly cannot wait to get the holidays over with, I really hate them with a passion, I guess I tend to see the downside of the Xmas period and really feel for people with very little money having to cope with the pressure of trying to do right by their kids etc. Xmas lost its appeal for me once my boys had grown up, I guess I may find the Xmas spirit again when I become a grandparent (but I hope that’s a good few years away yet boys !!)

Once the new year comes I will be starting it free of drugs and hopefully it will not be too long until I am posting on this blog that I have found work and am happy with my lot … then I will close the blog for good but keep it as a reminder of the darkest days of my life and use it to remind me how far I have come in the last 2ish years.

One piece of positive news to report, I have been approached by a TV researcher to help with a mental health storyline in a soap, obviously I cannot say any more as I am bound by a confidentiality agreement, but I am very excited about the opportunity and hope to help to make sure that it is portrayed as realistically as possible when it is aired.

Hope you all have a stress free and relaxing holiday season, and a healthy and prosperous new year.

XXX

Just got back from the Doc’s and have been given the green light to reduce the meds again … down to 50mg !!  well pleased with that, could be off them altogether in 12 weeks !!

The job hunting is gathering pace, I have had a new CV done which highlights the voluntary work I have been doing, and truth be told I am more than happy with it … it will be getting sent out and put online shortly, and then hopefully the interviews will start materialising.

I also received an email from Colchester uni, they want me to take part in a full day of presentations to the new intake of students in the health and human science department, this is due to take place on the 14th Dec and I have been asked to do my presentation from before which I am looking forward to.

As far as my general health goes, I honestly haven’t felt as good in a very long time, things seem to be coming together and progress is definitely being made in many areas. It’s a weird feeling to be looking forward with optimism rather than looking back with regret, and I kinda like it

Pretty much a case of “no news is good news” I suppose. No real changes to my existence, life goes on in a remarkably unspectacular way to be truthful.

Did a double shift on the SOS bus this weekend, both the Friday and Saturday nights, really love doing the bus, great bunch of people who I work with and we always have a laugh on shift as well as doing some good and helping people.

Been a bit slack with my Night Shelter work, but attended a trustee/management committee meeting last week and will be getting back in the groove on that front over the coming weeks.

As far as personal health goes, things are stable, the reduction in medication dosage has been tough and I can honestly notice a difference in my mindset, seem to be having a few more “negative mind” moments than previously but am fighting through it. If I am honest then I would have to say that dealing with a few bad days is a decent trade-off for getting off the medication eventually (that is still my major goal)

Will try to keep the blog more up to date going forward, I had a good read back through it last night and it definitely helped me put a few things in perspective when I was able to see how far I had actually come on my journey.

Good news is I am dropping the dosage on the happy pills… down to 100mg from 150, not a massive drop but it is progress never the less

Bad news is I am going to have to take a fkin suitcase to the chemist every month to pick up my prescriptions LOL, the new belly medicine is comedy, 2 sachets of “Fybogel” a day, some pills called “Omeprazole” and peppermint tablets !!

Fundraising day on Saturday for the SOS bus, Yates pub in town are hosting a whole day of fundraising for us and putting on a barby as well, I will be there from 1ish and then working a shift on the bus Saturday night. The filming by Ch4 has finished now, the 1 shift I did while they were filming was pretty quiet, so I doubt if I will feature in the programme (probably a good thing) LOL.

Nothing much else to report, I am still plodding on.

Been away for my holidays at Costa Del Dunstable … My good friend and his wife were expecting a baby and I was going down to stay with them for a few weeks to help out at the snooker club to free him up to be with his wife as much as possible.

Bethany Jade duly arrived, a beautiful healthy baby Girl (obv takes after her Mum)   Poor Charlotte had to endure a labour of 60+ hours !! why do women have more than one child, surely that much pain would make you never want another.

Enjoyed my visit as usual, always do. Coming home is always a downer though, back to empty rooms and the mess I left before I went. I feel much better lately though, I am actually beginning to make it through a film without my mind wandering , my concentration span is growing  and that is a relief, still got a shit short term memory though, but hopefully that will start coming back shortly. I have an appointment with my Doc tomorrow and whether he likes it or not, I am going to start reducing my meds and take a bit of control over my short-term future.

Colchester carnival this Saturday and I will be attending with the SOS bus and then working the Saturday night as well, Channel 4 are filming a documentary about the bus, so I might get a bit of air time LOL. They are filming every weekend through July and the doc will air in November sometime I think.

Nothing much else to report to be honest, but that is not necessarily a bad thing, I will take a flat line of mediocrity over the lows of depression any day of the week

I am being “signed off” as a service user under the care of the community mental health team … this is something that I have been aiming for and pushing toward for a while now. I have always confided in all of the people who have been helping me in a professional capacity that my biggest fear was becoming a “career patient” and never being able to escape the system, that is a fear that I no longer have to be concerned with.

Medication is to stay the same for the time being, which although a bit disappointing is not the end of the world considering the sign off. I still will have contact with the team, but only if I need them, the days of home visits and twice monthly reviews are over … I do not feel apprehensive about this at all, that must be a good sign that I am ready.

Where my journey leads now is pretty much in my own hands, I will no doubt face some tough decisions in the coming weeks and months, but I feel in a much better place to be able to make them now. It certainly feels like I am coming out of the tunnel and heading towards an ever-growing shaft of light … I will continue to go forward and see where I end up.

I beat myself up sometimes, I keep thinking I must be some lazy bastard, I can do all my laundry and get ready when I am going away for the weekend, but why can’t I do it all in between trips away… in fact this piece http://www.rethink.org/about_mental_illness/peoples_experiences/blogs/chris_r/vinegar.html is pretty amazing in its accuracy as far as I am concerned, However, reading that other people feel the same does not make you feel better about yourself and if anything makes you fight it even more because you do not want to be like this …. that in turn leads to causing problems with sleep and general mental well-being … vicious circle !

I am desperate to get back to work, but the sleep problems, and general lethargy is holding me back, I continue with my work with the homeless shelter and the SOS bus and hopefully in time I can turn my experience and skills into a paid position. One thing is for certain, I am not giving up … having stood on the edge looking down, I know that is a place where I will never go back to, the search for inner peace and contentment continues, and I WILL find it …. you can bet on that!

Rewind to a week and a half and I was at the hospital undergoing tests … it all started with a visit to the doctors for a routine update on my illness and general well-being, after chatting with the doc about various things he insisted on doing some quick tests there and then … the problem I had was gut related, and the doc was a bit concerned about the symptoms. I had to go to the hossy for more tests and then await results, I was being tested and examined for bowel cancer !!

I never said a word to anyone, not my kids, not my family or friends … I just did my best to block it away and just pray things would be ok… The results finally came back at the beginning of this week, after all the tests it turns out I have Irritable bowel syndrome … yes, it’s official, I am an irritating arse . Well as you can imagine, the news was a massive relief and although I am now diagnosed with a condition, I can start getting treatment for it at least and the fact that it wasn’t the big “C” was a relief that I cannot possibly do justice to in words.

Something else that I want to share is dreams, or rather nightmares, I have (for a loooong time) been having problems sleeping, I have really bad night sweats and am a very restless sleeper (I also talk in my sleep which is a bit embarrassing LOL) But I have a recurring dream/nightmare that really bothers me. It is not monsters or shit like that, it is a real life situation, anyway … when I have these dreams I wake up teary and regardless of the time I am wide awake, I can NEVER get back to sleep after these dreams and they really disturb me emotionally. The whole day after an episode is awful, I just cannot block the dream from my mind and I end up replaying it in my head… it’s horrible. Although the scenarios are usually different, the underlying core of the dreams is the same, I wish I knew how to banish them from my life but have not managed it so far, they seem to be sporadic in their occurrences and despite my soul-searching after each episode there is no obvious trigger for them, they just happen, I would guess I have these dreams on average about once a month, but the aftermath from them lasts for days, I really hate them.

Another bank holiday tomorrow … marvellous! … guess I will just stay at home on the computer then LOL … same old, same old.

Went to the gym on Friday and had a work out, hoping to get back Tuesday for another session, really want to go more often but I have to be realistic with finances.

Well that’s pretty much it for this update, Fantastic news on the tests, bit of concern about dealing with the IBS, but fuck it … It will be a piece of piss compared to what I could have been facing.

Well that is because nothing much has happened, the gym sessions have not started in anger yet, mainly due to the fact that I had to pay a few biggish bills last payday and that has left me busto til Thursday. Haven’t had the cash to go to the gym so it is on hold til later this week.

Nothing much else to report to be honest, I have pretty much spent the last week and a bit at home, but everything is OK and no health issues getting me down… Did have a bit of a disagreement with my Care-Coordinator on her last visit, I really want to start finding a job, but she seems to think I should be patient and get myself right both mentally and physically before I put myself out there work wise. She wasn’t impressed when I said that I can’t even afford to go to the gym on the crap money I get… and came back with “well if you gave up smoking you would be able to go at  least once a week” . She has a point but I am struggling with quitting the cigs as I am stuck at home all the bloody time with nothing to do. Tempted to just fuck the bills off next week and spend all my money on a 3 month pass for the gym at £96, which gives unlimited access to the gym, fitness pool and spa/sauna centre. At least that way I could do 3 gym sessions, 1 swim, 1 sauna a week and that would help with packing up the smokes too.

Will see how it goes. Pretty much just feel like I am treading water at the moment … It could be “sink or swim” time very soon.