The Road To recovery pt95

So, the coroner rules that he cannot be satisfied that Gary Speed intended to kill himself … Obviously, I mean we all go into our garages and tie a noose round our necks for shits and giggles don’t we … Also very pissed off that people in the medical profession testified that Speed showed no signs of depression … WHAT !!, you mean he wasn’t dribbling or spinning round in circles talking to the pigeon that helped him pick the Wales team, or constantly crying in public begging for help. So much fucking ignorance from people who should know better !

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-16760925

 

The Road To Recovery pt94

A Month since my last blog post …

 

Coming off the meds has been tough (bit of an understatement) .. I found Christmas particularly hard, when everything is shut down and shops etc are shut I kind of get back into the routine of sleeping during the day to pass the time and then obviously it follows that I am awake all night … vicious circle !

It was really weird to wake up and make a cuppa and not reach for my meds as the kettle was boiling, it has been my routine for so long that I found it hard to stop thinking about bloody tablets all the time.

My mental health is pretty stable though to be honest, yes I still have bad days and I really struggle sometimes for motivation to do the most routine of daily chores, BUT I am coping.. I have learned so much since I started getting treatment, the most valuable thing I have learned is not to beat yourself up if you are having a low day, just take baby steps and push yourself to do a little, then think about what you have just done and praise yourself, this works (well it does for me) and by giving yourself a break emotionally , you do tend to come out of down periods a lot quicker. The side effects from coming off the meds are slowly fading, I got terrible nausea at first and (bear with me, this is quite hard to explain) terrible explosion type sensations behind my eyes when I blink … yes I know it sounds weird, but I cannot think of a better way to explain it, I get a flash of noise every time I blink, it is really annoying, but it is fading now and some days I don’t even notice it.

 

One thing that I know has really helped me is the support I get from friends, I go to a friends place for the weekend at least once every 4 to 6 weeks and that has had a massive effect on my stability throughout my illness. It is something I look forward to and I know it probably sounds daft but I look on it as a reward for surviving the periods in between visits when I am at home alone and just getting through the days. I am lucky to have special friends and I want them to know that I appreciate everything they do for me.

 

On the job front it has been a bad start, of 4 applications sent out, I never heard from 3 and got one rejection letter from the other before I even got an interview. I am not too disheartened though, I expected it and told myself that it was inevitable, I will keep going and keep pushing on, my main goal for 2012 is to find a full time job which gives me some satisfaction as well as a pay packet.

 

I have pretty much accepted that my life is like a weather forecast … On the whole its average for the time of year with the odd stormy day which will pass, leaving just a cloudy overcast sky which will eventually clear.

 

Thanks for reading

 

xx